Currently A Different Light By Sherwood "Snowing in Seattle" see related

This Year's Fable

For the flame, the glow of the heart, feel not the cold!

Ah, December, December...

Is it just me or is the month an incessant trap of all downtrodden emotions? Perhaps it is the cold and overcast skies that remind us of the dismal. Perhaps it is the harsh, biting wind that makes us truly feel the lack of warm embrace. It's consistent, a persistent front of loneliness to my heart upon the happiest of months, that vile lurking subterfuge that pervades even the corners of a smile.

But by God, not now.

For whatever neurological reason the month seems to yield such effects, my heart will not bear it. I feel a swell within my soul this December, a tiny hint of flame like the soft glow of the ember that procures the life-preserving blaze.

Why though? Hah, I can't truly think of any words that would not leave the workings of my heart anything less than shrouded in at least some form of ambiguity... but perhaps I might delineate something concise. Call it "hope"- a stereotypical "seeing the light" of sorts. The semester has been busy, and as usual, survival within the loads of papers of obligations have buried the beating portion of my soul. But not entirely this time! No, the slightest of beams broke through the earth! And now with the bombardment over, I still feel the warmth of the sun.

I do not know whether to call it success or not. My emotions, my dreams... they still require effort to maintain themselves against the affronts of mundane complacency. They still strive with no ease of breath, and will most likely continue to do so until I have finally broken the cycle of education and work and materialism to live my goals. But I do know, that success or not, I have glimpsed my failures. I have spent enough time buried in the earth that I am quite familiar with its element. I am older, wiser.

...and to be honest, I'm darn pissed off at the inadequacies and difficulties.

And so I'm taking this December, this Christmas where often the lonely and materialistic heart are a crushing burden, to rebuild myself.

I'm trying to use my time constructively. I will still happily waste away hours upon games and books, but my day will be spent feeding my heart and accomplishing what has been long-needed. I have spouted my dreams without so much as dipping my toes in their vast waters. The hypocrisy and sheer danger of complacency in such has finally been revealed to me. I am still limited, but in this matter, I'll will push my heart, even if pragmatism need be abandoned to an extent. I want my soul to dance to the tune in sings. And because of not doing such in the past, I have tread so far with my head to nothing but the path before me. Confidence has been nothing more than a hope that the overall will eventually work out. For once I must seize the present, rejecting the repression of self-held inadequacies and passive sloth.

I must. I must because I see my future without doing so. It is alive, and it is well... but it is horrifying because it is nothing, nothing substantial, merely a statistic, an automaton. And though the future may persevere, the soul of it is dead.

I will not have that. This is my contract. Whether it is formed in success, wisdom, hope, or a desperate attempt, I know not. I simply try.

It is hard, quite hard. But that only means I get to call it an epic adventure, under gorgeous stars, past sweet rivers, amongst the most beautiful of smiles.

May I not fail.

Currently Max Payne [Theatrical Release] By Mark Wahlberg see related

Between the Millstones of Faith and Reason

Warning:  Potentially the longest thing I've ever written...

All my life there has always seemed to exist a clear sense of direction, of purpose. The questions of life were never what or why but rather a much simpler, pragmatic how. The goals, the dreams- they have always seemed to make sense to me. Though specifics were often convoluted, the path vague, and the means unknown, there has remained a persistent stability that, in the face of so many warnings by those claiming wiser experience of such never lasting, I am surprised that it has indeed done so.

But in the drive and process of my pursuits, it seems I have finally found myself at a stalemate. And yet, even so, the resulting questions of this pause of thought cater not to any of the aforementioned questions. Rather, it seems the interrogatives must be deemed where and even who. These are questions of reference, a wonder of where I am in the surmount of life. I may know my intents, I may even know how I wish to accomplish them, but when I survey the world about me, when the answers to my own questions are compared with the declaratives of the world, I feel askew, if even, to a certain small extent, alone. My questions then represent a juxtaposition with the world, a foolish one perhaps considering the lack of anything truly black or white within the world to compare by, yet important questions to me nonetheless. After all, a path in life, even though well laid, may be arduous and lonely if it spans apart from all others... and perhaps therein lies my concern.

As the years have progressed, this has been not so. The path of life was broad, though direct and unflinching, but was able to be traversed in a near amorphous fashion, blending and joining with the voices of friends and family walking upon adjacent roads. Time has passed, however, and the road has become more refined, and it seems those who follow the same trail are few.

Though I'm certain this could be said of many such progressions within my life, the discussed concerns may be attributed to one genre of thought, perhaps the most important of any- the pinnacle of humankind's search for answers, the questions of why we are here, where we are going. These questions of meaning have only seemed answerable by the two sever-warring contenders, science and religion... and here I am, happily in between.

I was raised thoroughly within the dogma of Christianity, brought up within one of the most fundamentalist of such, the Church of Christ denomination. I followed its presented ideals vigorously. I even spent a considerable amount of time actually studying the Bible, learning from it every scrap of holiness it might yield. I wanted to learn what was good, to find truth, to do what was right, and the Church of Christ was teaching just that. Soon enough, however, I realized that I wasn't entirely convinced the Church of Christ knew everything about the "truth". After switching to a different church with a different doctrine, I began to notice certain discrepancies within my old church's doctrine and how I felt God "thought" about things. My old church was deeply distraught by ideas such as instrumental music and clapping hands. My young mind found these concerns trivial and foolish, and as I studied the Bible and thought even more, I became convinced that God could not at all be concerned with such matters, but was instead more concerned about treating others well and living a constructive life. The years passed, and I found even more of the traditionally held Christian dogma to just not seem to fit. Then, by about the age of sixteen, I had begun to be introduced to people with a wide range of beliefs, some entirely contradictory to those I had previously held. My goal, however, was not simply to maintain and defend my beliefs. I wanted to learn. My search for truth had still been maintained. I discussed the great questions of life with atheists, even more conservative Christians, intently liberal Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims... and I learned a lot. At this point, many revelations had arrived. It wasn't that I didn't just buy into my specific upbringing within Christianity; there were larger, overarching issues to be addressed. According to typical Christianity, hell was waiting for any of those who didn't follow its tenets, and I couldn't understand why God would do such when He knew there were people out there who had never even heard of Christianity, or had at least not been taught it properly. I also felt that the Bible, that which I had used as the sole source of truth, could not be considered thus as it could not give a full description of what is virtuous in every situation, left some issues an ambiguous shade of grey, and even seemed to possess some discrepancies within its text. And so I thought, I revised my beliefs, I talked to others, learned, and listened even more, and eventually I settled upon that which was seemed the most true to me.

I learned I believed that, indeed, there exists a necessary and eternal being, which I still referred to as God. I learned I felt that, though it appears much of the suppositions of Christianity are historically (and thus, perhaps Biblically) true, there was a lot within the Bible that just didn't add up, and I could no longer consider it inerrant, nor even the main source of truth in life. I considered Christianity a good general description of my ideas, but I was convinced there existed a great deal of truth in other religions, and they were to be learned from. I decided things were significantly... a bit more complex, that there was reason to everyone's side of the story, and that concluding one "knows with absolute certainty" the answer to it all seems a futile arrogance. Nonetheless, I settled on one thing I believed must be true, that whoever, whatever God is, the meaning of it all has to be about love.

And I've held that to this day. What's changed is that the idea has become more refined within me, and thus in many ways, I've became both more secular and more spiritual. Though even after beginning to feel as I did about life and religion, I still held some of the same habits, though perhaps only to keep the peace with those about me. For a primary example of the sort, going to church was always a must. Missing too many Sunday mornings would potentially cause a great deal of controversy with those a bit more "religious" than I, and being as nonconfrontational as I am while also still being able to garnish some benefit from church, I maintained attendance. Recently, however, the fears of causing strife have been quelled by certain circumstances of life, particularly the move away from our home church and my functionally more independent life at college. Because of this, the continuous rite has broken, and thus such seemingly superstitious habits have died. In such, I've strayed from the typical Christian world, but not because of apathy or rebellion; it is rather simply because I have strayed into the direction of what I hold to be true.

This has, however, left me in a strange position. To a certain extent, I feel out of place. Though I firmly attest that we should be able to be peaceful and cordial around all people, for those who are not just "people" to us, for those who are more, who are friends and family, the ideals they hold in life are indeed important. Shared values allow one to feel at home easier; it also acts as an impetus for productivity, since everyone is on the same page of thought and may work towards the same goal. But of course, I do not expect everyone to believe as I do, not even those who are as close and personal to me as friends and family, but I do need our values to mesh without strife. I've always been able to handle these differences; bridging the cap between Christianity and Islam or Buddhism, or even theism and nontheism. I've always been able to see both points of view and delineate, clearly and peaceably, the thoughts of each in order to produce a common goal. However, as I grow older and the beliefs of my life begin to shift from goals into action, I find I need to be with those who can offer the same understanding for me. I may be able to be friends with all and never see the faintest tainting of strife within the common day, but as I look to those who grow close to me, those true friends who stick by you and even that potential special someone with whom one walks hand in hand, I find this understanding necessary, and unfortunately, it seems, difficult to procure. For, though I am aware there exists bountiful exceptions, the world seems to be divided into a very polarized system of beliefs... and it seems I'm stuck somewhere in between.

For instance, recently I've seemed to find myself more at home with the more nontheistic crowd. Perhaps the reason is simply that, without any upstanding religious beliefs, there are few moral tenets which I must explicitly follow to not incur disgruntled feelings. Also, it seems discussion maintains itself to be far easier. Though it be a stereotype, generally the value of reason is held high in such, and I find that few discussions based upon that principle may ever degrade. Nonetheless, there still exists a gap of understanding. To me, even by all scientific and rational study, I can not envision the world as it is without the presence of some initial creating force. I have heard the explanations otherwise, even studied them, but I just can't buy into it, for to me, they break the same sense of logic attempted to be illustrated. Within physics, for instance, the physical laws are delineated by even more physical laws, and physical properties are only described by even more physical properties, forming an endless loop of logic that contains neither an origination nor means of describing how such may have been formed without one. Even the point of infinite singularity proposed by the classic "Bing Bang Theory," by mere nature of being able to be defined by rational, even though mysterious, physical descriptions serves as merely another point within the loop. At some point within the process of thought, I am forced to accept the existence of something potentially irrational that abides by none of the physical laws of our universe. Within biology as well, I recognize the process of evolution as a grand effort in scientific explanation and an amazing event that does occur at least within a certain scale in the present, but as I learn more and more about the molecular biology of organisms, I find it even more difficult to believe that evolution alone is the sole process for the complex biodiversity found today. The sheer amount of spontaneous reactions that would be required for the functional production and use of even the simplest of molecules of life, such as RNA and proteins, would be, to me, absurd, especially in lieu of the knowledge that, even though RNA production may, to a certain extent, potentially be self-catalyzed, so many of the other events require the presence of a true and specific catalyst... These are, of course, my views, and I accept their very potential fallibility, but it is for such reasons that I find myself unable to discount the presence of "God," and thus the shared understanding begins to falter. Believing that God so exists, I find myself needing to search after "Him," to discover that ultimate truth as much as I may, to put this goal at the forefront of life, and for one who does not find the existence of God plausible in the first place, the rationale behind my fervency of doing so may be difficult to comprehend.

Nonetheless, it seems I have become increasingly uncomfortable around those who are more religious, particularly within Christianity. Though those within this umbrella term certainly understand my quest for understanding of God and on this pursuit our minds may eagerly join with shared understanding, I feel that religion understands me the least. I share so many similar beliefs, and yet the areas in which I am different seem to be inflamed to ill-content. Personal convictions have left me acting in such a way that doesn't quite fit the mold- for instance, I don't go to church anymore, I strongly believe in learning from varying religions, and the morals I actually follow are often quite different. Though these may be personal convictions, when brought to earnest discussion, they often cause, I feel, unnecessary controversy and even sour feelings. It is here that I feel open discussion and the ability to find a common understanding would be of the utmost importance, and it is here that I feel it falters. To have such a discussion it is absolutely necessary that one calmly listens and learns from one another, using all efforts of reason to discover the other's point of view. Religious discussions, however, seem to coincide this way until one party's opinion feels endangered, and from thence, the value of reason is submitted with the modern day definition of faith which places a high importance on the assumption that certain characteristics about one's belief are true. For me, this inherently kills the dialogue. I can not discuss with faith. Faith is immutable. It accepts no potential for being wrong as it is based upon the exact assertion that it is indeed not wrong. I respect that those who are religious carry their faith so strongly, but the ultimate inability to consider that one might be wrong, which in this case is instigated by faith itself, causes the understanding of my own beliefs to come to a halt. This is primarily because I simply can not buy into the whole concept of faith as it is presented within the respects of modernity. For instance, someone may claim that God exists, and when asked why one knows this is so, the answer may simply be something to the extent that "You have to have faith." I, however, might claim by the same principle that the flying spaghetti monster exists, and that the axiom requires no evidence because "you simply have to have faith." Now one must understand I realize this is an oversimplification of the matter and that conversation generally breaks down, not upon the existence of God, but more on specific moral beliefs wherein faith seems to be held more so towards traditional dogmas, but this is the overall delineation of the matter. And such, once again, the process of understanding breaks.

One might, at this point, wonder why I do not gravitate then to the very middle, the entirely secular or apathetic. It might certainly seem to remain the most rational of thoughts at this instant, but I find myself completely unable to do so. I may have strayed far from both sides of the discussion, but I have not strayed from the discussion itself. It is a part of me, deep and ingrained. Every day I think about it. I do have very personal, very strong, and very important beliefs, and simply living day to day without such purpose would be impossible for me. This is would prove to be a hard concept to grasp for those who have to wish to do so, and I can see why, that in such a complex and hard world, this would be the case... but for me, I refuse. To do otherwise would mean to simply live, day to day, hoarding the fruitless material possessions and successes that will, one day, irrefutably be taken away. Death abolishes the mundane works of this world, and if one simply follows such a materialistic lifestyle, one ends up just another statistic that was left in Death's wake. I refuse to be so. Whether my purpose be merely some self-defined form of existentialism or following after the absolute truth itself, it is there, and it ever-beats within my hearts and follows the rhythm of my steps. I can not simply just "live." There is a bit more to it for me. I intend to love, love like crazy. It's an absurdly hard process for me, but I'm working at it. Heck, I even intend to change the world. It's a goal, a dream, and it may seem foolish, but that's what my beliefs entail, and thus the thought of secular apathy could not be more abhorrent.

...I realize I have spoken so far in stereotypes and generalities and that there are not such clearly defined "sides." Nevertheless, I would venture to say that this represents the far majority of the social circumstances in which I find myself. There are many who truly represent the far more shades of grey I have not discussed, but other than those I have already met and deeply befriended, they seem few and difficult to discover.

And perhaps this seems far too dramatic a concern for one who is able to walk amongst all such groups cordially and respectively, but as I have mentioned, I am growing older, and these values are becoming even more pronounced. I have now reached the point where, at least for those who are immensely close to me, I can no longer act the chameleon. Now friendships, relationship... they must take this into account, and those who do truly indeed to walk as companions to me in life, I find must understand me, and well, tolerate my beliefs for that matter. It sounds like such a frivolous thing to ask, and yet, when one surveys all the years of hatred throughout history caused by the overarching subject, one may see that it is held important enough within individuals that sometimes... well, obtaining tolerance, respect, and understanding is not always so easy.

...Though certainly not impossible. And I believe it shall be done so me. It is simply that now, with such relationships waiting to be formed, I find the situation simply awkward. I do not know where I fit within my neighbor's mindsets. I do not know what they are willing to tolerate, to respect, to understand.

And so I'm stuck, stuck in a process that only time and learning may divulge the answers- both of which I am, however, willing to yield.

But as to where and who I am with respect to this world and the minds of those about me? We shall see. I write this, though, for understanding. So that both I, and any hapless reader stumbling upon this text, may better garnish comprehension of where and who I am.

This is me. This is where I am.
As for that reference point, the answer to such questions I now find myself facing, well... that is up to you.

Currently Listening New Surrender By Anberlin "Breathe" see related

Summaries

The written letter exists, beyond the purposes of communication or description or poetry, to simply express that we are alive and the nature of our well-being. To family, to friends, to those concerned, letters are sent, and such is made known. And sometimes, if not more importantly and more often, we write simply to remind ourselves that we are, indeed, alive... and of course, of all the steps and sights thereof.

I guess I'm writing right now for both. It's been a long bloody while since I could just set back, take a glance at the sky through my window, smile at the colorful trees edging the horizon, and relax with no obliged thought of hurry or concern. Perhaps that's what I get for being a science major- lab reports, chemical formulas, missing variables, physics equations- I could bury myself under the volume of books of knowledge my mind has forcibly consumed.

But today I have rested- this whole weekend in fact, and it won't be till this evening that I actually pick up the first textbook of the last three days. That is glorious, impeccable and absurdly awe-inspiring greatness. So I figured there might be a certain bit of wisdom in using this time to reflect because, I swear out of all things, that has been the lacking direction to all recent wanderings. Bloody sucks.

I would say it has all been worth it though. It's an ironic thought though. I've begun to realize just how unutterably little I actually care about school, science, and the byproduct of an extremely successful life. That might seem odd considering I'm still getting (well, with some minor considerations) rather awesome grades, I could talk of nerdy science inventions and discoveries all day with full interest, and I have serious life goals towards which I am aimed. However, these are just means to an end, and trust me, were there any way to skip the means, they would be packed dry into the dirt of the trail behind me.

And to be blunt, I'm beginning to care even less about the means. Granted I will still attempt (probably more so than necessary) to get good grades, to be successful, to yadda yadda... but I'm finding the price of this world's success far too high for me. There's only so long one can stare at a computer screen writing lab reports and running chemical problems before one's attention span is everything but annihilated. It's time to relax and hold to that which is important. Now granted, keeping scholarships and ensuring the attainment of my life's goals is definitely important, but by God, give me a break, or I will find one of my own accord.

So in such, I've finally discovered that I'm ok with doing the minimum, with doing what it takes to get by, and I don't think that's a bad thing anymore. At least I refer to such in light of that which is not important. For me, all I want to do is change the world (ever the idealist), and for that goal the minimum effort will always be overpassed and my back will be broken in the pursuit. But that's what I care about; that's what matters. The rest of the world's demands, oh how many they are, must finally fall silent upon my ears.

Damn, that felt good to write.

And in the overall pursuits of life, all seems well. My job working as a resident assistant could not be better. After all, getting paid to social, throw parties, and help people... well, it's hard to ask for more. Discounting the previous lack of able time in school, UAH life has been productive as well. Monetarily, I've got plenty of supplies to last me as needed and, with proper spending, to even get myself on the right foot after college is over. Heck, I've even been dropping money on myself with not even a frugal worry (the buying of a new video game-Fallout 3- and being able to go out to eat is a darn good feeling). The nagging concerns of life, though present, are at least few and not pressing- curbing the casual loneliness of bachelorhood, whether or not to actually get my doctorate, to teach or to do research, in which manner I actually want to go about philanthropic work after getting settled in life... all remain tangible and workable issues.

So in all, rather than claiming the weight of the world to rest upon my shoulders, I might simply say that the world rests. The days do need to improve. I need more free time, I need to work on figuring out the aforementioned concerns, but the worries are few, the leaves outside are golden, it is a weekend day, and I am smiling... and this is just a summary.

May the days progress ever as such, and may I give my heart more time to reflect as well, for the days are beautiful, as are the hearts who sojourn within them. I'll continue writing my tale, and perhaps shall even do a better job at letting myself (and everyone else) know where I am at within it.

Currently Listening Sing, But Keep Going By Sherwood see related

It seems I always end up listening to Sherwood at moments of change in my life. Whether intentional or not, it's innate, like the deep breath you always make in sighs of hope or moments of relief. It stands as a monument, like each day's sunrise and the stars at night. It may just be a band and a few melodies, but I find fresh air in their verse and a bright tomorrow written in each chorus.

And so I listen to their words even now, without a clue which shore or mountain or valley I near treading upon. I simply know the winds have changed direction. I know... I've had to let go of some things. I know there is concern and loneliness. I know the fates enjoy their taunts and that no thread of fortune is unable to be cut. But by the Maker, the Crafter, the Writer, the Artisan, the Painter- by the beauty of the flowers and meadows and the kindred face of a child, by all of life I know I am singing in my heart, and I know I look upon the horizon with a smile.

To many, I imagine my intangible construct of words is no more than the redundant babbling of a fool. Perhaps I am. Perhaps my destiny holds nothing other than the very cold that grips ours hearts in the dark and lost valleys of life. Regardless, I have decided I do not care anymore. My heart has possessed an immense sense of stoicism in the past, but for now, it has evolved.

I'm tired of weariness and worn of fatigue. I choose the smile; I choose the song. Even lonely, even burdened, even naive to all forums of future, I sing.

And for now, this intangible rambling must be good enough, for what change has come is unbeknownst; I simply feel its bite and would prefer it a smile. And it's hard to not do so when you are singing.

At this point, one may disparage me away indeed as crazy. If so, then I would dare choose a more practical employment of my written thoughts- a quote, and perhaps the very reason I like Sherwood so much in the first place. A phrase of it was the first words I ever read or heard from them, but every song they write seems to have this at its core. For change, it fits nicely... but for life, it is the beat of our steps.

St. Augustine:

"Let us sing now, not in order to enjoy a life of leisure, but in order to lighten your labors. You should sing as wayfarers do-- sing, but continue your journey. Do not be lazy, but sing to make your journey more enjoyable. Sing, but keep going."